mad

some people wake up feeling bad about their night because they drank too much or whatever
I feel bad because I went home two minutes after the party began


yesterday eric told me you were my friends
that’s really nice
it’s new to me: friends
I remember I used to have some in high school
I remember I even organized parties
I used to enjoy them

I wonder why it’s so hard now

at university, my friends never lasted because of the way I act socially
Like that specific thing:
leaving
two minutes
after
any
social event

each time I try to put my feelings into words,
I fail
maybe it’s because there are no words,
or at least no structured sentences

maybe I could try here.
well,
yes let’s try
why is it so complex to describe a feeling

I’m listening to my playlist, and it helps somehow
at least I feel less dumb for writing about my feelings because singers do the same

I will describe how I approach any social interaction so that maybe you can understand
or perhaps you will find it completely uninteresting and it’s okay

there are times when it’s easier
but mostly:

let’s imagine someone comes to me

my first reflex is to be scared(???)
don’t ask, it gets worse
my second reflex is to think that they:
-judge me(for several reasons and it should be the topic of another post because it’s too long) (well maybe it shouldn’t I’m not very comfortable with exposing my insecurities) (even to myself)
-hate me
-that I should leave

then I end up acting like a really weird person and regretting the whole conversation

I can’t remember precisely when it began but I think it got worse in 2023 or something
I remember writing a full list of all the reasons not to date me to this guy in 2024
I really liked him
I was just scared

I started rejecting everyone

today I’ve learned not to listen to the internal voices screaming that I don’t deserve anything
not even friends (as you can see, it does not always work)

the thing is that I really like spending time with people

I feel like there are moments when I actually feel like someone who could socialize when I spend time in HKL
or with you all (thanks)

so last night I felt really mad
because I failed
even with you

(it is really hard to write a blog post like this when you already feel like you’re being judged all the time HOWEVER maybe now that I put words on my social awkwardness for the first time I can try to change)